


Who I am is where I stand…

by Es_Aitch



Series: Twelfth Doctor One Shots Series 10 [11]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Episode: s10e12 The Doctor Falls, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 19:36:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11386962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Es_Aitch/pseuds/Es_Aitch
Summary: So many feels about the Series 10 finale.  I will probably write a lot.  Spoilers for the entire series.  Lots of introspection in this one.





	Who I am is where I stand…

The Doctor needed the Master – both regenerations, maybe all the regenerations – to understand that he now understood himself in ways he never possibly could before. He wasn’t trying to live up to being ‘The Doctor’: the man who makes people better. And he was more than just his promise: ‘Never cruel or cowardly. Never give up and never give in. And if you’re ever any of those things, always make amends.’ Those things were only the manifestation of his inner most being. He was who he was. So he told them, “Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand… is where I fall.”

He closed his eyes against the pain of that realisation. Facing the Master and Missy was what he imagined it must have been like for Bill to look at herself in the mirror and see the Cyberman. That is the role his oldest friend had always been for him: a mirror, reminding him of himself, keeping him from his more delusional states.

When they were with the Picts, Bill had told him that sacrificing his life to save the planet wasn’t his job. He had replied that she was right, but it was who he was. He hadn’t lied. But he had been wrong at the same time. He had been so focused on trying to be who he was, that he forgot to let others be who they were.

Now, he looked from the Master to Missy and took a step closer to the Master. He had to offer them the choice to be who they were, or who they wanted to be. “Stand with me.”

The request to the Master had gone about as well as he had expected. It’s why he had started with him. The rejection was anticipated, so it didn’t hurt as much. He took a few steps to run after him, when he remembered that Missy was still there. He turned to her. “You’ve changed.”

She chuckled that self-deprecating one that echoed the one that sounded in his head every time someone thought he was better than he thought he was. “I know you have. And I know what you’re capable of.” She could be so amazing and so terrifying. She had become what he had once said of her younger-self: beautiful. “Stand with me. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“Me too.” The Doctor extended his hand toward her. But, she held up a hand, getting ready to take his. “But no. Sorry. Just no.”

She couldn’t meet his eyes. She would lose her resolve to leave him if she did. And she had to leave him. She had work to do. Finally, she took his hand. The psychic link was made and she sent to him his own words: ‘ _Hope is hard to resist_.’ She held his hand longer than she intended and another thought slipped through. “ _I do stand with you. But there’s something I have to do first_.”

First she had to be bad, had to finish what she had started. She had to do what she realised the timeline had already established. So she was compelled to speak again, to give the Doctor some sense of comfort. “But thanks for trying.”

With that, she left him.

The Doctor was so stunned by her thoughts and spoken words, that though he took a step to follow her, he knew he had to let her go. A few minutes later, he entered the house and Nardole started to argue with him about protecting the humans. Of course he did. But the Doctor knew himself now. At some point between going blind and watching Bill sacrifice herself to defeat the Monks, he had learned who he was. Funny thing about knowing himself, it meant that he could see others more clearly. So he challenged Nardole. “One of us has to stay down here and blow up a lot of silly tin men. And one of us has to go up there and look after a lot of very scared people, day after day, for the rest of their lives, and keep them safe. Now the question is this, Nardole, which one of us is stronger?“

Nardole thought about it for a moment. He knew that the Doctor wasn’t just asking about one strength but he meant all kinds of strengths. Nardole had the emotional strength to look after the humans for a long time. Even if the Doctor survived, he wouldn’t last long defending the humans on the ship. He would be stuck again, in a different way. Trapped. He was a man meant to be among the stars. Besides, Nardole knew that the Doctor had been holding off his regeneration for weeks. The Cyberman who had electrocuted him had actually been too much. Nardole, for all purposes, could live forever given how the Doctor had pieced him together. He sighed. “Damn.”

The Doctor offered a nod. “My condolences.”

A few moments later, Nardole took his leave, saying his goodbyes in the best way he could. Bill decided to stay and fight. As she had said earlier, she didn’t want to live any more if she couldn’t be herself. At the very least, she could die as herself. The Doctor realised he had been wrong before. It was possible to ‘die well’. One simply had to face death as themselves. He was the tutor, but Bill had taught him so much.

They said their parting words, but couldn’t say goodbye. Each was clinging to the hope that they would survive this. After all, hope was hard to resist.


End file.
